whimsically interviewing myself while showering before the finance exam i was later to fail badly
-radiance? i've stopped. or i never really started, really, did i? i used to talk about my henry james fixation a lot. and stickers. but i don't have to prove anything to myself. not even radiance. stupidly. like, i'm so obsessed...and i think lots of kids are obsessed...or convinced...that having potential is enough. i'm sure there is one mass-produced classroom banner which dazedly proclaims that "what's inside is more important than what's on the outside". uh, bad example. something which implies that having the potential for greatness = greatness.
-which isn't true?
-i wouldn't like to think so. having the potential for greatness. it's like a call option on greatness, let's say. if your hunger for it is great enough you'll capitalize on it. but it's worth a lot less than the greatness itself. for me it was my mom with the unconditional love more than anything else. that didn't spur me to greatness, except through guilt at first, and then...eventually maybe i'll become a real person, with a sense of what can be desired and then accomplished, in realtime. thinking that i was the chosen one or a princess for so long, i didn't feel that much responsibility to actually share the proof with anyone else. to perform. high school was the achievement of multiple gambits. much easier to measure or create your self-worth back then, according to numbers on paper. but then, everything averages out. and hence, dilettantism, exhibitionism, laziness, and finally the complete silence. no radiance. sometimes lately it's enough just to listen. it's sick, it's so chronic and so widespread.
-so is this how you love irony?
-how much? what? irony?
-i'm not really sure. i mean. there's a charm to girls who read magazines, and there's also something about girls who don't read magazines. you can let things go both ways...every way possible. stop forcing it. can you see it?
-yes. that's pretty inane. but okay.