1) i'm gonna change shit around here soon. expect the color yellow to become better friends with green...[momma's gonna go grab some paint samples]
1, corollary) also like, probably to be more daily record style. it's so useful to know what the hell was going on, i think. like, right now, i am feeling up the weibull-gamma as a girl at band camp [would :^D]
1, ps) you know and like, midi files of the brandenberg concertos, as well. keke.
2) i feel better now. just generally. no more mental movies but the daily in and out of contacts, contact, smocktact.
3) my heart is beating so fast right now to the seductive p5 tempo and smutty excel spreadsheet on my screen. how orgasmic are the first bassline notes and the subsequent drummy noises of 'good'? i think that song marks my birth as someone. to everyone who loved p5 in 1997 a big kiss.
4) a headache from like on and off/all out weeping for 24 hours (cumulatively maybe 2.5 hrs) but see 2) in case you forgot

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. What then kills love? Only this: Neglect. Not to see you when you stand before me. Not to think of you in the little things. Not to make the road wide for you, the table spread for you. To choose you out of habit not desire, to pass the flower seller without a thought. To leave the dishes unwashed, the bed unmade, to ignore you in the mornings, make use of you at night. To crave another while pecking your cheek. To say your name without hearing it, to assume it is mine to call.

What is this? Maybe it is an accusation. Or an assumption. Anyway, it's the lovely lesbian Jeannette Winterson of my English class syllabus, from whom I learned the word pessary. I worry always that I will enjoy Maeve Binchy, because I like shit like this. Wow, I'm typing properly right now! I am so easy.

The Princess Diaries. Lots of ppl are watching and raucously enjoying it in the common room right now, ugh ugh, j/k. Part of the reason I don't like saying much anymore, don't like to be terribly loud is that I feel so badly when other people are, and I guess I assume it does make others feel badly. And being demonstrative still kind of is offensive to me these days, I don't know why. And I know I still do it. This is why convents seem so attractive sometimes/recently! Basically I think that fun is only fun when a unified front. Never leave people out! It should be my battlecry, if I practiced it.

Meanwhile, though, I'm not culturesnobby and I'm not culturekitschy and I just need to finish my paper, so that's what I'm doing instead of watching. Lately, as might be evident, I don't do and don't feel like doing what I don't feel like doing. Which sounds bad. Anti-social, wilful, spoiled. All true sometimes. But it's not like I don't want to do anything. And so. The delights of silence and solitude and ratio [Glenn Gould, Glenn Gould, Glenn Gould]...

Grateful tonight that I worked at O'Sho, because even though I rarely partook of the sushi, I know what I [other people] like. Och. I really like salmon because that's what I grew up eating, but yellowtail was so popular. Trendy? Balsamic vinaigrette style. How terrible it must be to be an unpopular food. Unlike cake which is SO pop round here recently :^D

What I talked to Rob about last night, and which applies to the being demonstrative thing - We're both also offended or affrighted or affronted by evangelism. Which I think I've written about before. But really that is religion, I guess, having this infinite cheekiness and impertinence and affrontery to try to pass your God off on someone else. Replace "pass your God off on" with "share with" and you have something completely different, I admit. But that is the difference between proselytizing and testifying [that's what they used to call it i don't really know]. I think it's so much sweeter and more innocent to assume that if people see God's grace in you, and they want some, they'll ask politely, "Where did you get your God from?". Isn't that how the best people do it? Maybe I just find the idea of the inner light attractive. That's why I don't like to tell people what is my new favorite song or band or color or store - unless I know them very well, and I can let them know without them taking me too seriously. Or the new fixation seriously. Is this wrong?!?!? I think I should figure this out, but it feels good to me. Just...not to be a label whore. I vacillated back and forth about that for a long time, and come on dudes, the word 'whore' is in 'label whore'. It can't be that great to be one.

I don't know if this is a happy ending but here we are let loose in open fields.