okay. i realized last night that really - we're acting just like freshmen. the constant drinking, the messiness, the interfriend sexual passive/aggressiveness. i'm sitting here, freezing in my polarfleece pants and little white guess shirt, it's kind of early and we should all go out for luis' birthday, but who knows what will happen. recently i think i've lost interest in a lot of things that used to make me happy; it's consoling that this is one of the signs of depression, because at least i know it's kind of normal, because everyone's depressed (clearly!) like blogging for example, has lost interest perhaps inevitably, but also i don't think anyone really reads this with great interest or investigative fervor, just as no one really talks to me with same enthusiasm anymore. (this is so not true.) but i have felt really shitty lately, realizing that the boys i've been involved with for the past few days or years haven't really liked me. sure, they might have loved me 'as a person' or 'friend' and things built onto that (sometimes forcibly, because i'm a real tiger when it comes to getting what i want, emotionally). but i don't think that i've inspired any gutwrenching and bedtossing 'like' in boys lately - it's the saddest thing ever. it makes me wonder 'so hard' whether i don't have that special something that i can usually recognize in girls...that special sparkle. which has been alternately defined as confidence, dumbness, and ass-shaking by luis. i realize what a passive, biological approach i'm taking to all this, not to mention boring and self-pitying! teehee...but do i have to settle for less? hold out for more? it only makes it more pathetic that, like anand, i think, i'm so reluctant to go forth and to meet new people. i should really learn - i'm such a charming person to meet! and i like to read new books, at least!! books are like people...! but no...i don't want to go and make things so complicated. and yeah.

lisa and i drove to king of prussia today - god, what a huge mall! i bought a suit at benetton for my interviews next week, and then this totally trendy top at the limited to go with it. i really really want a summer job.