but slowly, slowly!

i'm sitting at my ikea goliat desk, with my feet up against the back panel. my back hurts something turrible from all that sitting and loafin i been doin. yo la tengo winter a-go-go is on my computer radio. thinking about the my morning jacket show which is coming up in september and who/how fun it will be! it's really insane to think that this time last year, i was finishing up my summer job in dc, putting myself and other people through lots of stupid drama, and about to embark on my semester abroooad. which brings me to how nostalgic i am for france; awhile ago it was lyon and more recently it is montpellier all the way. i still have a few things which actively remind me of france, like my face wash. and my bottle of perfume, which isn't intrinsically french but is actually called 'chic'. and the bridge(s) across the river(s) on a sunny day...

tonight we played at the italian restaurant and it was really really so-so for a bunch of reasons. this afternoon i disappointed one supervisor but impressed another supervisor. today, two people reminded me of how i used to be, and how i'm not now, and how i'm glad i've changed. [gloat!] when i'm tired like this i can't write. i've been tired for a long time, then, it would seem like, because i have no sense of when i should anything with writing anymore. the proposal that i was working on at work, frustrated me because i never stepped far back enough from it to be able to really proof it or experience it from a reader's point of view. coming after i think the rejection of my company's other proposal i'm not really optimistic about its being accepted, although i do think i'd be really excited if we did get it. i appreciated being able to work on it mostly by myself and knowing that i could do it, mostly without mishap.

what gets me these days: feeling really foggy-headed most of the time, except when i'm actively thinking about something, like writing or proofing something. and not having time to eat right/exercise but seemingly enough time to loll around in bed or shop. where have the summersales of yore gone? just kidding. i bought three tops from urbn today [slut!] because i had it in my head that i was topless. also, i'm really dissatisfied by the feng shui and messiness of my room. something about it makes it look really intolerably clothes/paper strewn even when it's not. what i'm probably struggling with most now is emulating the people i love and respect and not those i hate and hate again. it sounds easy but it's very difficult, especially with certain people. which just makes you reflect again on who you are etc. i really don't know what i'm talking about, but i'm sure i'll remember once i read this over.