favorite things

one complaint about myself these days is that novelty and uniqueness holds so little attraction for me! for instance, in the past week at home: when i wasn't not eating or sleeping, i re-read lots of books including the laura ingalls wilder books and the lord of the rings. omg, what is the point?! is it because it's just one notch above just sitting there, letting my eyes run over words that i've already read a zillion times before? well, i read some magazines at barnes and noble with lisa, and that was fun. but in my current fat and depressed state, it just made me feel more acutely that i have no money and only a few things in my life to be happy about. i mean, not to sulk and be a complete spoiled brat, but really!

college cut me off from the only challenge that i ever gave myself in high schol and even middle school...which was to be really aware of what was going on in the world; or at least, to THINK i was. and now i can barely muster up enough interest in my own life to get out of bed? well, no. i really liked the return of the king! and making apple strudel tonite with my mom was fun! and that new korean drama. but i need to get out of my house and go somewhere that's not the mall, i think. maybe the library? barnes and noble? woooooo!!

at least i have a LIST! a LIST OF TASKS! for the rest of break i'm going to really launch into sending out resumes and cover letters to companies that i have both thought of and never thought of, and all of which make me really excited! this is so i won't have to think about it when i go back to school. also south beach diet it up! [yes, barnes and noble]. and yoga/pilates. do i sound re-hashed and re-heated? that's the way i feel :^P

even the things that i'm planning to accomplish before going back to school are so limited in ambition and scope, and are things that i've already thought of doing; the only real new thing is that i have a sense of desperation fueling the actual accomplishment of these projects. desperation! YES!

this all just goes to show that when i am depressed, i'm not actually sad at all, which is a misconception that i always had about depression; that it necessarily meant storming around in a cloud and teary-faced (which i often do too!) but just anhedonic :^D or whatever...and it's yucky...and looking back on the 3 1/2 years of college is doing very little to help. but there's always tomorrow!