it's not what u accomplish it's what u can endure

i'm ba-aack!

it feels clean and safe and low-stress to be here in poughkeepsie. i had some good "reflection" and "digestion" of my "experience" in korea while on the plane, but i forgot how it congealed together. it seemed to end up with me deciding that being in korea wasn't a total waste of my precious youth. but i don't really want to think about the past year in depth again right now. i didn't really feel anything when i left my school, my host family, my relatives, or the country...with the exception of sweet relief!

relief at being done with korea's inferiority complex and mass social immaturity. done with being told that my korean sucks, yet being expected to understand everything that is being said around me. done with having no control over the food i eat and then totally transforming into a piggy when i do. done with feeling like the lack of stimulation or challenge in my life has turned me into a halmeoni. done with vice principal han and the unbelievable shit that was my work environment this year. as so many people have said to me, "please try to forget the bad things that happened to you this year." i'm not a victim. my willfully poor memory will see me through :^)

but...you know. also relief that this year (or really just this semester) taught me what i don't want out of life. eg, monotony, helplessness, and abjection.

i love at the end of the corrections when the mom decides that it's time to make some changes.

i'm going to cut my hair. why? because i want to.

i'm going to take a career inventory test and give myself some real long-term goals. why? because i'm tired of always scrabbling to give myself an array of completely divergent options and then racking my brains to choose the best one.

we all know one woman's take on korea: "if you can survive this, you can survive anything!"
or "you'll start missing korea and think about coming back...then decide NEVER AGAIN!"

how about, it was part of my life. and now it's over.