mmm. sitting here with a new book!- which is a very new sensation. when i was younger books would just appear; out of wrapping paper or on bookshelves (the life of the egyptians. ezra pound's cantos. and also, most of the babysitters' club series up to like #70 or something. just to be truthful :^P). so it's actually very rare, since high school, that i read a book i haven't read already - just because i have this hesitance at the potential for 1) disappointment (if i already have some expectations for it) or 2) just disappointment (at my bad judgment of the cover, title, author, first and last words...). so this is why i don't read for pleasure anymore, because books don't fall from the sky. and also because i don't want to jinx reading. i mean, will there ever be books as good as those that have already been read? pored over? memorized? the curse of being an "early reader" :^) a fast reader.

books are just ONE of the many symptoms of...this, my premature withdrawal from the world. [ahem]. i'm not kidding! but i AM not laughing at things i should laugh at. and am being less enthusiastic about less things. okay. the last things i was enthusiastic about were: this book i'm sitting in front of, a furry bear we saw at michael's, my mom's youthful love of apples. yupgi yupgi yupgi...rimmel mascara (only obtainable at walmart in the US). the 3 consecutive arrow shooting trick by legolas. muffins. okay this is a lot of stuff! but [scratching head] diesel? sorbet? academic success? haha...nothing i remember anymore. because i'm not looking to be enthused anymore. whatever falls from the sky, i can allow myself to be enthusiastic about. but not...obsessive. something is gone that allowed me to seek out obsession. still - "the past is beautiful, because one never realises an emotion at the time. it expands later, and thus we don't have complete emotions about the present, only about the past." (already a good quote from this book! how promising!)

some statements:
1. my mom: "that's okay, if you live alone" (re: my attitude towards school)
2. me: "i know i don't live in a box (re: my attitude towards school, and a few years ago, my bardsocialpsych attitude towards EVERYTHING)
3. jd salinger: "grunt" (teeheehee, clearly not my hero but a paragon of all of this)
4. me: "i really don't like listening to people talk about what they like" (re: christmas presents for boys)
5. me: "unless it's also what i like..." (")
6. anand: "when i realized she had really bad taste" (re: who else. if you know anand)

and, as a result of the 4th statement above, i REALLY don't like talking to people about what i like. i'll only do it in the most flippant of ways. and as a result of this happy resultant, i don't like...to like things anymore. see 3rd statement. but, i have this book...and i have my jesus.

meanwhile, though! happy holidays, and diners, and city on friday, my earning no money, my failing my classes, trying to stay afloat. "free and easy...to disappear completely"

this entry is completely incomprehensible, so whatever. it's always better in person. :^D like, i'm perfectly happy...and that's where the guilt comes from.